How does divorce mediation work in practice?

People often ask me what really happens during the mediation process. Is it just about negotiating money and rights, or is there something deeper? Do I simply decide what is right for the couple? Do we strictly follow the court’s rules? How do you get two people in an emotional storm to sit together and have a real conversation? Here’s a step-by-step overview of the process:

✦ Exploration Stage- Since I am not only a divorce mediator but also a couples counselor, the first step I take in the process is to listen deeply to each person’s personal story and make sure this is truly the right step at this point in their lives. The questions I raise are critical: “Have you tried all options? Have you had couples therapy or counseling in the past? Can you assure yourselves and your children that you’ve tried everything and it simply didn’t work? Are both of you willing and able to divorce? Who are the anchors that will support each of you through this process?”

Only when it is clear that both parties understand the significance of this step and are ready for it, we can move together to the next stage.

✦ Emotional Unloading Stage- At this stage, we give space to emotions and bring to the surface anything that may obstruct finding a solution. Each party moves from a defensive mindset to a cooperative one. The goal is to understand that finding a solution is a joint effort for the sake of the children and themselves. If one or both parties cannot shift their thinking or overcome past emotional baggage, it becomes very difficult to progress. Separate meetings with each party help me identify individual needs and dynamics.

✦ Understanding Consequences Stage- Here we begin to imagine the future. This stage naturally raises concerns such as: “What will happen to my children?” or “How will I manage on one income?” These questions touch on a very sensitive area, uncertainty about the future. It is therefore important to examine the facts, rely on numbers rather than feelings, and explain the consequences for each party. In a world where the cost of living keeps rising, this is also the time to think creatively and explore practical solutions. This stage leads to action. I encourage brainstorming ways to reduce expenses and increase income, with the shared goal of maintaining the children’s quality of life as much as possible.

✦ Solution Formation and Agreement Stage- This is where possible solutions begin to take shape. I help each party understand the family's needs and concerns and reach a mutual agreement on finding the best way forward, for their sake and, above all, for the children. Practical steps are formed here: financial agreements, parenting plans, visitation arrangements, living arrangements, child support, holidays, communication with children, daily expenses, division of assets, education and healthcare and more. At this stage, each agreement is examined for minimal conflict and maximum stability. Each party takes responsibility for their decisions while remaining open to solutions that benefit both sides.

✦ Implementation and Legal Validation Stage-Agreements reached during mediation become official, legally recognized agreements. At this stage, my partner in the process, a family lawyer, conducts the legal procedure: reviewing the agreement, submitting it to the court, and ensuring its legal validity. The process includes guidance through the steps needed to implement the agreement. International couples can complete their official divorce in The Hague and update their status at the embassy.

✦ Life After Mediation, Transition and Adjustment Stage- This is the most meaningful stage in mediation. Separation is not the end, it is the beginning of a new path.

Transitioning to a new routine is not just about reorganizing life but also managing the emotional process of separation. Every change, even one agreed upon, brings new challenges. The ability to handle these challenges healthily is key to success after divorce. It is important to maintain open communication with your partner and children and to understand and accept that each person experiences the emotional stage differently. Emotional support is key at this stage. Friends and family can be a big help, but it’s still valuable to have professional guidance.

Mediation offers a respectful and practical way to navigate one of life’s most difficult crises. Each stage of the process is designed to ease the transition, understand the needs of the other party, and build a new reality that maintains stability and peace of mind for you and your children.

As a divorce mediator and couples counselor, I am here to help you find the right path whether that means working on the relationship or moving toward a respectful, thoughtful separation.

Unsure where to start? I invite you to a free, no-obligation call to explore the best path forward together. You don’t have to face this alone, I’m here to support you in whatever way feels right.